My husband and I were talking recently and he mentioned he would like to try and join WeightWatchers through his work. We know several people who have had tremendous success with the program and he has been feeling a bit unlike himself and wants to get back on track to where he use to be. We work as a team, and I do my best to always be supportive and encourage him in anyway I can and vice versa. I said I would join too so that way he would be motivated to keep at it and what the hell I could always stand to loose weight. Yesterday we decided to head to our first meeting. I should preface this by saying I have done WW before and had some success but to be honest it doesn't work for me. I hate it. I hate obsessing about food and counting points and going to "meetings". It doesn't work for me, my issues run deeper than a piece of cheese cake and how many damn points it is. I hate cheese cake by the way. I went to meet him at his work, and I should mention leading up to this date, I have been coming off my steriod medication which tremendously affected me. I will NEVER take another steriod medication in my life unless it means death. I am very attune with my body and what that drug did to me, was just not right, it has been 4 days since stopping the medication and I am still having some reaction, today however is the most "normal" I have felt since starting the medicine two weeks ago.
I have been overweight my whole entire life. When I was 10 years old, I was at a nutrionist and told to log everything I ate, and my Mom had my join a gym with her and they would give you certificates everytime you lost so much weight. I remember I lost about 2 lbs and they gave me one cause they felt bad for the fat kid. I was so proud of this thing and we went to the pharmacy for something and the lady behind the counter said "Wow that is not very much!". Nice. So begins my cycle with diets and meeting and tracking. There is a common misconception about fat people, even among some fat people. People think if you are overweight it is because you sit around eating chips and ice cream etc. Well for some people that might be the case, but for me, it is actually the opposite. I don't eat enough which forces my body to go into starvation mode which makes me store fat easier than most people. It took me a long time to figure that out and I still struggle with it every damn day. Also I have a carb issue which I think comes from the fact I don't eat enought so I need the burst of energy I can get from a carb. It really is interesting when you stop and think about it. If only I knew this when I was 10!
When I was 20 years old I think I was at my heaviest
never weighed myself, still don't usually. But I was wearing a size 26 plus size jeans. A few years later I moved out to Banff, Alberta. I was away from home, in a totally different place surrounded by mountains and outdoor activities. The place I worked for would provide you lunch all of the sudden I was actually eating regular meals and walking everywhere, I dropped a lot of weight in the first 6 months. I got down to about a size 18. Little did I know I not only lost weight I lost friends too. I felt great though! Shortly after that I was down to a size 16 but still wearing size 22 jeans, which would only stay up with a twist tie. My friends staged an intervention and took me to the GAP to buy a pair of jeans that fit. I was terrified to put them on. I had waited 24 years to finally fit into a pair of size 16 jeans. That was always my goal. I stood in the dressing room praying that I would be able to get them on. Funny how in my head even now I still see my old self staring back at me. It never goes away. I got them on and they looked really good. I couldn't believe my eyes! I remember calling one of my friends who no longer speaks to me, and telling her about buying my new jeans. Thinking a good friend would be supportive! She said to me "Were they size 16W? Because you know those aren't really a size 16." I was crushed. I have managed to maintain most of that weightloss even now. I still go up and down on occasion and now that I am getting older I really have to be careful. As soon as I feel myself creeping out of my size 16 I start to panic. "The old Shannon can't come back!" Once I joined LA weighloss to try and get back to a 14 which was the smallest I ever got, and the lady sat me down and said "So what have you not done with your life because you are fat?"I looked at her astonished and said "Nothing. I have done everything I wanted to do thus far."
"Well what about traveling?"
"I have traveled alone to the UK and Ireland, I have lived across Canada on my own, I have loved and lost. I have gone on adventures. There is nothing I haven't done because of my weight. I just want to be smaller again."
She looked at me puzzled. How dare I not fit into the stereotypical box!
At the time I just got engaged to Paul and she noticed my ring and said "Oh, but you want to fit into a beautiful wedding gown!"
"Well yeah I want to look good on my wedding day but that is not stopping me from going down the isle. My fat, happy ass will be there no matter what!"
I was really offended that she was trying to say that I shouldn't have been able to accomplish what I have because of my weight. I have been dealing with this my whole life. My Mom always told me I could do what I wanted she was always worried I would be treated differently because of my weight and sure I have been, but like all things in life you deal with it. And I thought I had.
After I joined the program they had you log what you ate and I was to fit so many things in during the course of a day. At the time I was working full time as a Massage Therapist in Calgary. I was getting busy! It's kind of hard when you have booking to stop what you are doing and make sure you eat your 8 carrots for the day. So one day I went for a weigh in and I wasn't down as much as they thought I should have been but I was losing. I was happy with my loss I was paying for it, and really isn't that what matters? I will never forget it. The woman took me to an office sat me down and proceeded to raise her voice to me telling me how I wasn't following the program because I wasn't eating enough and therefore wasn't losing the weight at a rate SHE felt was appropriate. She was yelling so loud another staff member came to see who she was talking too. I was mortified and shocked and needless to say I never went back.
Fast forward a few years later and I was in Champaign working at a job where I sat all day. I was starting to feel like my ass was spreading so I thought well let me try WeightWatchers. I knew family and friends that were all doing really great on it and again I just wanted to get back down to a 14 if I got lower that would be cool too. I just don't like the pressure. So I rhode my bike over to a meeting one Saturday morning and did the weigh-in and sat through the meeting and listened. Sure it was motivational, but it was also a bit ridiculous. The woman was very in your face, excited and there was clapping and stickers and strings of paperclips to show how many pounds people had lost. I rhode my bike home loaded down with books about points and how to calculate stuff. After about two weeks I had lost but I was obsessed with what I was going to eat! On a normal day I never worry about what I am going to have to eat or how it will fit into my points. I found it really hard to eat the points I was suppose to eat and I really didn't like thinking about food that much! We have a rule in our house, we don't buy chips, or icecream or pop or any of that stuff. Paul is a vegetarian so we eat pretty much a vegetarian diet and so there is always fruit and veggies in the house and maybe pretzels which are fat free. But we both suffer from the "I'm fat therefore I must not eat" syndrome. So we essentially don't eat enough through out the day and then next hting you know you are starving and grazing on everything in sight! This is where my problem lies. But it's not just about food it the fact of when will I ever accept myself for how I am? Let's say I get to that size whatever, it that ever going to be enough for me? I realized that no it won't be. My issue is with accepting myself for who I am. Fat, wrinkles, freckles, red crazy curly hair and all. This is who I am!
While I was sitting there in the meeting yesterday (not feeling well) and having a full on anxiety attack. Places like these bring out all my issues. Having not been feeling like myself on top of that hightened my awareness of these issues even more so. I listened and kept thinking "this is crap, why am I here!" Then I remember I am there to support Paul and if I get something out of it than great. But I couldn't listen to it. Once again I am not discrediting the work that Weight Watchers does for people, and the lifestyle change it gives people. If it works for you that it Wonderful Kudos to you. For me, not a good match at least in my experience so far. Yes they give the tools and stuff to succeed but lets be real here for a minute people. Is your issue really with food or is it something much deeper? And food is your band-aid and coping mechnisim? People who have and gastric bypass surgery and then gain the weight back have proven this could be the case. That the issue is more than just about over eating or lack of eating. I am of the mind for myself given my personal experience, again this is just about ME. That I can do the program lose all the weight but if I don't accept who I am with the weight or without and deal with my issues head on, then the weight will always come back. I will always hover over the samething. This hit me in the middle of my anxiety attack yesterday during the meeting as a listened to woman have an orgasm over cheese cake and chocolate and whatever other snack food turns them on. I don't get that way over food, I don't look forward to desserts I usually never have dessert. I enjoy bread, but I wouldn't climax over it! I get irritated when people fixate on food! That is why I lost my patience with WW because of the constant counting and tracking and thinking about what I ate and what I will eat next. I guess that is the point to cut out mindless eating. But I can't help but keep coming back to, I need to get to the root of the problem. This also has been brought to my attention more because I work with a lot of younger girls who sit there on their break and eat Taco Bell and say how fat they are when they are the size of my baby finger. As I eat my tofurky sandwhich, no mayo, on double fiber bread and a hand full of non-fat pretzels. What is wrong with this picture? Society has told us no matter what we will never be good enough. When are we going to step up and accept ourselves and say "Hell Yes I am good enough!"
( me today)Having a job that I really enjoy again, a husband who loves me and supports me through all trial and tribulations, and a family to backs us both, and yet I still feel like I am not "Good Enough" that "something is missing". Made me realize that the problem is within me and no matter what I do to the outward appearance that nagging voice is always going to be there until I address it and tell it where to go. Always heard that once you hit your 30's you become more accepting of yourself, maybe I am finally coming around to that mentality. Sure I will strive to get back down to a 14 one day, but I am not going to beat myself up over ever little french fry or chicken sandwhich I eat. I will just make the healthier choice for me more often, keep trying to fit exercise in my lifestyle and just overall be the best person I can be, and love me for who I am. And listen to my body closely as it really will tell me what it needs and wants if I listen.
I dare you to get RAW with yourself. It's not easy to strip back the layers and take a good close look at yourself and then say "I love you no matter what."
1 comment:
Hey Shannon, loved this blog, so honest, so inspiring! One thing I know for sure "I love you no matter what!"
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